If you are not a man, it is so easy to undervalue and underappreciate what men go through on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Men endure most of our challenging system in Nigeria and Africa. They are responsible for so much, yet they get little or no credit or appreciation. Therefore, when you find a man behaving funny sometimes, or being unreachable, or being unreactive to your needs, it could be that he is temporarily overwhelmed and searching for answers to meet a multitude of crushing demands, including yours.
At the very point that you are fuming and cursing that he is not picking up your calls or responding to you the way you would like (or the way he used to), he could be in deep meditation (or confusion), trying to figure out how to contend with so many challenges all at once, in the face of systemic failures and disappointments. A man’s list of challenges may include the following:
1. School Fees for Children and Relatives
2. Provision of Food and Beverages for the whole Family
3. Caring for Aged Parents or Relatives
4. House Purchase or Rent Payment
5. House Furnishing and Maintenance Issues
6. Vehicle(s) Purchase and Maintenance Issues
7. Generator(s) Purchase and Maintenance Issues
8. Fueling of Vehicles and Generators
9. Electricity Bill Payment
10. Borehole and Water Issues
11. Office Rent and Expenses
12. Security Issues and Charges
13. Estate Management Fees and Issues
14. Cooking Gas Tanks and Refilling
15. Salary Payment to Domestic Staff
16. Salary Payment to Office Staff
17. DSTV/GOTV/NETFLIX Subscription
18. WIFI Subscription and Phone Charges
19. Health and Hospital Expenses
20. Lesson Teacher Expenses
21. Social Outings, Concerts, and Amusement Parks Expenses
22. Special Trips, Holidays, and Vacations
23. Clothes, Shoes, Toiletries, Hair, and Cosmetics Expenses for Family
24. Birthday Parties, Special Outfits, Gifts, Photo Shoots for Entire Family
25. Ashebis for Special Events Every Month
26. Burials, Weddings, Graduations, and other Involvements
27. Religious Obligations and Charitable Donations
28. Social Clubs and Alumni Association Obligations
29. Help to in-laws, Relatives, Friends, and Others
30. Accidents and Emergencies
It is not easy to be a man
Of course, every man's list of challenges is different based on his unique circumstances. But there is a great deal of similarity. And the kinder and more responsible a man is, the longer the list of problems people bring to him to solve, on top of his problems. That is a fact. So, do well to be your man's peace. Your man, in this context, could be your Husband, Son, Brother, Boyfriend, Mentor, Friend and Relative. Be his place of solace. Do not add to his woes and his stress. Be his place of solace. Sometimes the stress of not meeting every expectation and challenge is already too much to bear, for a man. Sometimes a man's silence is because of private meditation, introspection, and prayerful supplication to draw inspiration for solutions, not disrespect or disregard, as some people may assume.
Your noise and heat at those critical times do not help. Your strident and persistent calls only add to the stress. Your anger and outbursts only worsen his headache and increase his Blood Pressure. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps your man sane is his occasional retreat into the wilderness of solitude, away from you and everyone else, to sort things out. It could be a physical retreat, as Jesus did sometimes. It could be mental. Understand that. Respect that. Appreciate that.
An unanswered call (or calls) does not necessarily mean he is with another woman or ignoring you. And it certainly does not mean you are no longer as desirable or as valuable in his eyes. In most cases, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not easy to be a man. Any person who tells you it is easy is either not a man, or yet to become a man, in the true sense of the word. Do not force your man to go from a meditative state into a depressive state because of your compulsive and combative attitude. You may soon find him in a vegetative state.
Most strokes, heart attacks, and untimely deaths experienced by men are avoidable if people just show a little more appreciation for what men go through. Be his peace to avoid 'rest in peace.'
I come in peace.
Prof. John U. Osonwa is an Environmental and Climate Change Expert and a Social Commentator